I'm the worst of the worst
Recently I was listening to the radio and one particular morning show had listeners call in with their favorite "worst type" of moms. The DJ's were compiling a list of those moms you love to hate. The callers railed on the Perfectly-Clothed Mom. Who wants to compete with the mom-friend who is dressed to the nines on a Monday morning when you're wondering if you've changed your underwear in the last 24 hours? (If you haven't been there, just leave my blog. We can't be friends.) One of the most-hated was the Absent Playground Mom. This particular breed zones out on her phone and leaves you to fend off her terror-of-a-child who is trying to smash sand into your own little one's face. The list of "Ugh, can't stand them" moms went on for a good thirty minutes. As I listened I thought, "Sure, this stuff can be annoying, but there's no way I'd call in! I am ONE mom who contains MANY of these most-hated characteristics!" (Obviously the Perfectly-Clothed Mom isn't one of those. Shut up.) I started having a man-in-the-mirror moment and compiled my own most-hated list. May we all take the time to look inwardly at our own yuck instead of slinging mud at our fellow mamas...
The When-Was-The-Last-Time-You-Showered Mom:
Yes, let's hear it. Ewwwwwww! But guys. Guys. Have you ever been so exhausted that even showering would take some substantial effort? Has that ever happened to you...perhaps every day? That's me. Call it lazy, call it gross. I agree with it all. Chasing two toddlers is freaking HARD, though. I have no clue how Perfectly-Clothed Mom does it. In the morning, my little nut-jobs are off and running so fast that I barely have time to throw on a robe. At night, I can proudly keep my eyes open through ONE Parks & Rec episode. What about nap-times, you say? Those are for naps, all around. Or for weeping into a bowl of cereal, depends on the day. The no-shower habit is so out of control that the hubby got us a swanky gym membership with childcare, in the hopes that I could shower peacefully after a workout. Poor guy, he didn't realize how deep down the rabbit-hole I am here. Drop the kids off, hit the elliptical, grab kids, hit Starbucks. I'm like a brain-washed cult member. I'm too far gone.
The Just-One-Sec Mom:
This one kills me. I am the mom who finds herself constantly telling her kids, "Just one sec!" Whether it's because I'm compulsively Clorox-wiping the kitchen counters or trying to find a recipe on Pinterest, the amount of times I put my kids off is downright sad. How I want to be the mom who drops what she's doing to get on the floor and play with trains instead of putting the newly peed-on shower curtain at the top of her priority list. I've got my son and daughter for one tiny speck of time when you look at the big picture. Every time they hear, "Just one sec!", I'm telling them that my obsessions with organization, my planner, and Clorox wipes are more important than they are. No, this particular mom has to go.
Add-Photo Mom:
You know what type of Facebook or Instagram our parents had for showing off their kids' pictures? Wallets. A proud papa could whip out his billfold and brag on his son and daughter for a couple of minutes with a cute picture or two. Simple. Done. Man oh man, the times are changing! I can literally overload your senses with words and photos and sound-bytes of my sweet little loin spawn. I am completely shameless when it comes to using social media to pimp out my kids' cuteness. And when I realize that I'm getting dangerously close to the unspoken weekly allotment of kid-pics, I'll switch to posts about the darnedest things my kids say. You have no hope for escaping the full-on deluge of Kid Q material. I fully realize I'm that mom. My apologies to my social media friends. (Apologizing and saying I'll stop are two different things, FYI.)
Martyr Mom:
Ew. This one might gross me out more than the whole smelly/sweaty thing. I'm really good at letting people (read: Husband) know how much work I do and how tough this whole mom-gig is. Then I make sure they know that I cut time out of my own schedule or forgo personal needs...or don't shower because I'm like, the best mom ever. (You don't say that last part aloud. That's just tacky.) Just about three years into this life as a mom and I'm still learning that being the martyr does not a good mom make. My husband constantly says, "Sit, let me take care of this.", after a long day. I can be totally frazzled and in desperate need of some quiet to piece together my sanity. But I'll keep plugging away, slinging dinner to show that this ship can't float without me. How pathetically narcissistic.
The I'm-Cool Mom:
No. Not "cool", as in "all the cool kids are doing it". I'm never that girl. I'm the mom who desperately wants you to believe that I just roll with the punches and while being the best darn martyr-mom out there, am also, like, totally whatever with the craziness of kid-life. One kid is running, full-speed, down the hall with a tiny potty full of poop while the little one crawls into the path of said dump-run and, you know, it'll work itself out. The carpet probably won't get soaked with poo-water while the baby, herself, surely won't get baptized. Let's all have a good laugh over it and post a funny status on Facebook. OK, that's what I'll have you believe if you're either here in my presence or I'm telling the story later. In real life, without anyone around, I'm screaming to the point of bursting blood vessels in my eyes. I'm cursing in Spanish (you know, so the kids won't understanding), and I'm tearing at my clothes and adorning a sack cloth. Full-on, freak-out mode. It baffles the mind. Why would the same woman who rejects the daily shower try to put on the appearance of having it all together mentally?
There you have it. I've laid myself bare and now you know the worst that lies within, some of it anyway. Oh! I never told you what the #1 most-hated mom-type was on the morning show. The Blogging Mom. Huh, go figure...
The When-Was-The-Last-Time-You-Showered Mom:
Yes, let's hear it. Ewwwwwww! But guys. Guys. Have you ever been so exhausted that even showering would take some substantial effort? Has that ever happened to you...perhaps every day? That's me. Call it lazy, call it gross. I agree with it all. Chasing two toddlers is freaking HARD, though. I have no clue how Perfectly-Clothed Mom does it. In the morning, my little nut-jobs are off and running so fast that I barely have time to throw on a robe. At night, I can proudly keep my eyes open through ONE Parks & Rec episode. What about nap-times, you say? Those are for naps, all around. Or for weeping into a bowl of cereal, depends on the day. The no-shower habit is so out of control that the hubby got us a swanky gym membership with childcare, in the hopes that I could shower peacefully after a workout. Poor guy, he didn't realize how deep down the rabbit-hole I am here. Drop the kids off, hit the elliptical, grab kids, hit Starbucks. I'm like a brain-washed cult member. I'm too far gone.
The Just-One-Sec Mom:
This one kills me. I am the mom who finds herself constantly telling her kids, "Just one sec!" Whether it's because I'm compulsively Clorox-wiping the kitchen counters or trying to find a recipe on Pinterest, the amount of times I put my kids off is downright sad. How I want to be the mom who drops what she's doing to get on the floor and play with trains instead of putting the newly peed-on shower curtain at the top of her priority list. I've got my son and daughter for one tiny speck of time when you look at the big picture. Every time they hear, "Just one sec!", I'm telling them that my obsessions with organization, my planner, and Clorox wipes are more important than they are. No, this particular mom has to go.
Add-Photo Mom:
You know what type of Facebook or Instagram our parents had for showing off their kids' pictures? Wallets. A proud papa could whip out his billfold and brag on his son and daughter for a couple of minutes with a cute picture or two. Simple. Done. Man oh man, the times are changing! I can literally overload your senses with words and photos and sound-bytes of my sweet little loin spawn. I am completely shameless when it comes to using social media to pimp out my kids' cuteness. And when I realize that I'm getting dangerously close to the unspoken weekly allotment of kid-pics, I'll switch to posts about the darnedest things my kids say. You have no hope for escaping the full-on deluge of Kid Q material. I fully realize I'm that mom. My apologies to my social media friends. (Apologizing and saying I'll stop are two different things, FYI.)
Martyr Mom:
Ew. This one might gross me out more than the whole smelly/sweaty thing. I'm really good at letting people (read: Husband) know how much work I do and how tough this whole mom-gig is. Then I make sure they know that I cut time out of my own schedule or forgo personal needs...or don't shower because I'm like, the best mom ever. (You don't say that last part aloud. That's just tacky.) Just about three years into this life as a mom and I'm still learning that being the martyr does not a good mom make. My husband constantly says, "Sit, let me take care of this.", after a long day. I can be totally frazzled and in desperate need of some quiet to piece together my sanity. But I'll keep plugging away, slinging dinner to show that this ship can't float without me. How pathetically narcissistic.
The I'm-Cool Mom:
No. Not "cool", as in "all the cool kids are doing it". I'm never that girl. I'm the mom who desperately wants you to believe that I just roll with the punches and while being the best darn martyr-mom out there, am also, like, totally whatever with the craziness of kid-life. One kid is running, full-speed, down the hall with a tiny potty full of poop while the little one crawls into the path of said dump-run and, you know, it'll work itself out. The carpet probably won't get soaked with poo-water while the baby, herself, surely won't get baptized. Let's all have a good laugh over it and post a funny status on Facebook. OK, that's what I'll have you believe if you're either here in my presence or I'm telling the story later. In real life, without anyone around, I'm screaming to the point of bursting blood vessels in my eyes. I'm cursing in Spanish (you know, so the kids won't understanding), and I'm tearing at my clothes and adorning a sack cloth. Full-on, freak-out mode. It baffles the mind. Why would the same woman who rejects the daily shower try to put on the appearance of having it all together mentally?
There you have it. I've laid myself bare and now you know the worst that lies within, some of it anyway. Oh! I never told you what the #1 most-hated mom-type was on the morning show. The Blogging Mom. Huh, go figure...
Comments
Post a Comment